Not too long ago I wrote about the fun experience of obtaining a passport for the Tiniest Captor, which in all reality wasn’t that bad. Time consuming? Sure. Lots of paperwork? Yes. Did they look at half the stuff I jumped through my butt to get? No. But there was a purpose for getting this done quickly, and it’s not just because I need it in order to get her residence permit, or to prove that she’s my child if stopped while crossing the boarders here in Europe. Which could make for a REALLY bad day if we didn’t have it and that happened. I can’t figure out how I’d start the phone call to my boss once I was in jail. Here are my options:
“Uh, hi. I got arrested for baby napping my own baby…” or
“You’ll never believe this shit” or
“Blubber, sob, expletive, more sobbing, some lip/wind sucking, the awkward choke cough, more expletive and then silence.”
I think it would probably be the last one, but you never know how the mood will strike!
At any rate, I will be attempting to fly alone with the Tiniest Captor back across the Atlantic Ocean to come home for almost two weeks. At first this seemed like a grand idea. “Everyone will get to see the baby!” I said. “It’ll be fun!” I said. “What could go wrong?” I said. Let me tell you. . . now that I am mere weeks away from flying, I am beginning to wonder how I will pull this stunt off. It’ll be me, an 8lb baby, a stroller, 2 suitcases and what is lovingly referred to as the “combat baby bag.” It’s packed with everything a person could need in order to traverse the globe with an infant. Ok, I lied. Not EVERYTHING. In all honesty, the bag could use some tequila, perhaps some xanax, or even an economy sized box of ear plugs to pass out to surrounding passengers. Somewhere here in this idea is the potential for a good business deal. I should ponder this more.
But, continuing on, here is a list of 10 things that could possibly go wrong on this flight.
- Run out of diapers because the Tiniest Captor decides it would be fun to poop like the world is ending. (Which if we make it to the flight, then the Mayans were totally wrong-o unless they meant that the flight would be world ending, because THAT is an actual possibility)
- Along with running out of diapers, run out of clothes since the diaper blowouts always involve the clothes. -Naked babies are cute, naked poopy babies, not so much.
- Non stop crying (Cue Samuel L. Jackson- “I am sick of these mother#&$# babies on these mother#&$# planes!”)
- A sweet grandma asks to hold her then won’t give her back. You can’t really fight with a grandma since that is typically frowned upon. Do you wait for them to fall asleep then steal the baby back? Do you spike their tea with liquor to speed up the process? help me out here!
- Fellow passengers stage a coup d’etat and try to toss us out at 42, 000 ft- FAA regulations be damned!
- SPOILER ALERT: THIS INVOLVES BOOBS. I digress; Try to pump only to find out we’ve left the batteries behind. The thought alone puts me into panic attack mode.
- The Tiniest Captor stays awake, THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. 8 hours of sheer hell, which will only lead to a zombie like state for me and I’m already operating on auto pilot due to lack of sleep.
- The Tiniest Captor chooses that day to channel the exorcist and gives a present to our next door in-flight neighbor. Should I pack extra clothes for them? “Here’s a dry t-shirt, sorry bout that. . .”
- I choose that day to channel the exorcist. How do you hold the baby and an air sick bag at the same time?
- Lose the passports some where between getting on the plane and getting off the plane. Does this lead to the calling my boss from jail scenario?
I’m sure there are other things that could possibly go wrong, and that’s where YOU come in. I want to hear your baby in-flight horror stories. Been a victim of an in-flight baby assault? Watched an in-flight baby disaster go down? Think of something that should have been on the list? Let me know about it in the comments. Best comment will win a prize! And I promise it won’t the airplane peanuts from the flight.